haven't been posting ever since school reopened, nearly a month.

time is passing faster and faster as i get more and more adapted to life in poly, in a blink of an eye, 4 weeks passed and CTs are coming soon again.

been doing lots of project the past few weeks. i remembered i said i would never do any project with this guy again, but afterall, i still chose to do with him because of many reasons. perhaps knowing doesn't mean understanding. i definitely don't understand him and i really don't wish to, i just think he's pretty unreasonable at times and really too proud of himself, i cannot stand people like this.

i'm slacking too much this semester again, very worried about my gpa this semester. but then again, i think i lost my entire motivation to study hard. i've came to realised she's been lying so much to me, as if she's always been trying to make me think bad things about him, make me hate him/dislike him. and i've never really trusted him (not the BGR trust), even when i had feelings for him. loving someone really isn't easy, which is why this tortured me for so long.

i keep thinking i could let go, like i've always said. but whenever its fading away, it will come back again.

joined scuba diving and will be going for a diving trip this June, hopefully, will get to go on OIP for 5 weeks in september. i mentioned about it, but he didn't seemed a least bit interested. so if i were to really migrate, bet he wouldn't miss me at all.

been 2 weeks since he left "my life", work to be exact. life is still revolved around him, i miss him, i can't deny this fact no matter how hard i tried. seeing two people get together, but choosing to keep their relationship underground is ... idk tormenting to me cause i had to keep this a secret too. but the thing is, i envy them so much ):

when two individuals becomes one, either by law or by states, its really a good thing i guess.

been thinking about what he's been doing everyday, whether he was affected by the train fault, whether he was feeling alright after getting sick. everything about him worries me, and that really sucks

school reopened for me, initially thought the modules will be somewhat fun and interesting, but after 3 days of lesson, i'm thinking otherwise. been reminding myself i must love my modules to get well for it, just look at what happened to my "security" last semester, just because i hated it.

my life is always more fun whenever school's up, more boring during the term breaks/holidays because i usually drown myself in work. i've been thinking ... thinking about leaving this place already. idk why and idk how i stayed so long. no one should be the reason to why i'm making any decision, no one.

anyways don't entirely like my timetable but i guess i'm going to have to face it for this entire semester. i once made an honour to swear i will never do project with this person again, but to the better or worst, i think this is still a good choice, the rest just gave me false hope (sigh). this semester is just going to be an equally busy sem, work gotta be put aside after next week, studies are right now the most important to me. i want my parents to live a better life, i've gotta do my best in it.

my parents have been working so hard just for us 4 siblings. good people should have good ending, i don't get why the opposite always happens, sigh. anyways, watched titanic with cx last friday, didn't really remembered the movie but the 3D effect was so not 3D. went titanic exhibition with my darling on saturday and wow they're so amazing. feelings, many lives were lost during the titanic incident, mostly due to the ambitious of humans, lets just hope people learn from mistakes/the past. went watching "the vow" yesterday and boy the movie wasn't what i expected, though its real life story. well, at least its not a sad ending. had to cab to school cause of the movie (i was late).

watched battleship with my classmates today over at Jcube and ohmygod that movie is freaking awesome. right, need to read up, rest and get ready for school tomorrow (:

people tell me why do i seem happier when i go work, fact is, its because he's no longer around, i don't have to pretend to be someone i am not. but whenever i do things, all my memories of him flow through my mind, how he threw tantrum at me when i hid his stuff, how he sprayed hand santinizer and alcoquat at me, how he use to laugh at me when my apron drops or when i start making weird movements with my hair, its all filled with him.

when i looked at his name tag, i touched it, felt it, but it seemed like he's no longer there, everything just became a memory of the past, even looking at his locker makes me sad. he came to look for me 2 days back, but it saddens me to know he's just there to make use of me, people all tell me "eh he looking for you to pass him the card", thats embarassing enough for everyone to know, hey that guy is here just to borrow stuff. i was reluctant to lend him, even sad till i ignored his presence, besides the fact that i was alone that day. does he even know how much i mind about how he thinks about me? time to let go, this is hurting way too much and too long.

its even sader to know that my colleagues are really all selfish, not that i just realised ( i knew this months back ) . laziness is no problem because deep down, everyone is lazy, but come on, friends helps each other, why must i be there to help you all whenever you all needed me and you guys were never there when i needed, i was doing 2 side jobs lehs.

tomorrow will be the actual day whereby he's really no longer there with me, his first day of work at his new place. i wish him all the best and good luck in everything he does. one day when i think back, i'll figure out that i once love this guy, and that guy, is a joke in my life, this love is a joke by itself

anyways, brother's POP today, no more pulau tekong, no more jetty, the moment where the stage of a boy becoming a man, completes. woke up damn early to be chased to hasten up, super pissed when my parents are super unfair. wow NS man really smells after their 2.4km road march HAHAHA. went shopping at parkway with mum and sis, super fast shopping - 30 minutes and done. bought a full skirt and a shirt and gonna get discount cause auntie works there <3 probably gonna get my mum to help me get a new wallet too. tried making use of the wallets my colleagues gave last year but the compartment is so miserable i cannot even slot in my entire wallet, carrying 2 is too troublesome. went lunch at international seafood restaurant next, yumyum filled up my stomach. wanted to walk the beach with my family but it rained in the end, sighhhh. home and slept for 3 good hours, energized!

bro said something which enlightened me just now, you don't need a million friends, because only one true friend is enough. true enough.

while on our way home, started talking about the past, i'm saddened by the fact that my family became like this, i swear when i start a family in future, i'll make sure i cherish kinship much more than myself. its fate that brought everyone together into a family, if even your own family does this to you, who else can you trust? families are the closest thing one can ever have.

last week of holidays next week, GONNA MAKE GOOD FULL USE OF IT, life is way too awesome right now.

went to USS yesterday, unexpectedly and shockingly, i lost all the photos i took in the morning, idk what happened to my camera.

they don't seem to understand my feelings, picture are memories that no one can ever go back in time to. but the main thing was, there was alot of phoos of him, with me. our solo photos are the ones i wish to keep, and the one with the mascots. i have no idea what happened, but i was holding onto his hand during that photo, we were hooking our hands onto each other's which i doubt he even realised, he probably thought he was hooking another person's. i broke free my hands in the end which i don't really understand why, even when i was happy about that.

guess the photos lost just meant that some things are not meant to be. tried retaking other photos to cover up for those that i lost but she was there spoiling everything. can't you just let me keep that last piece of memory perfect? your hand just had to butt in for everything solo shots we took, that pisses me. you know very well this might be our last time together, just memories i want to hold on to, you just had to spoil it.

没有你的第二天，我相信不了也接受不了我以后都不能像以前那样看到你，因为我想你。

我不知道我的告白你是否真的懂了，知道了我对你的感觉，可是总觉得或许你早就知道，只是不想破坏我们这份友情

这一年多来我天天在想什么时候会看到你，期待看到你的时候，想念我们以前拥有的回忆，只因为这一年，我默默在你背后守候了那么久

我的好不是对每个人的好，而是因为我对你有所好感，对你的感觉，对你的喜欢，让我没有办法对你不好

每天醒来我要面对着以后不能经常，或根本可能没有什么机会在见到你的感觉，令我感觉很失落。不知道什么时候才会习惯

要是当初我乖乖早点离开了这里，起码我现在看到的是我离开你，而不是你离开我

很想让全世界知道你是我喜欢的人，可是，那又有什么用。。。

每天回家少了那份等待，着急害怕你早走的感觉，我的世界也好像慢下来了，没有了你，世界好像也空虚了许多。

习惯，需要时间，我希望那段时间可以快点来

btw, to 在我眼里好像什么女生都喜欢的男生，

你知道爱是什么吗？在我心情不好的时候对我“告白”只会让我觉得你很幼稚。当我问你“你确定你爱我吗？你根本没有真正认识过我时”，你是不敢回答吗？说真的，你知道什么叫爱吗？你到底有没有真证爱过人？我真看不起你